Sunday, January 3, 2010

Humorous Courtroom Conversations

Did the title seem ,let's say,'inappropriate'?
Well that's natural because courtroom seems to be arguably the most serious of places.
But sometimes lawyers in their urge to bring out a statement or a confession out of the witness or accused tend to forget the 'basics'.
Still wondering what the heck i am talking about?
Read the following pieces from the official court records ,which do not let a word said in the court to 'disappear' .Such discussions were even  collected in the books 'Humor in the Court' and 'More Humor in the Court' by Mary Louis Gilman and 'Disorder in American Court' by Charles M. Sevilla .

Here are some of the conversations :

Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Lawyer: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None
Lawyer: Were there girls?
Witness :Your honor, can i have a change of attorney?

The Court:  You may call your next witness.
Lawyer Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client's deposition.
The Court You mean read it?
Lawyer No, Sir. I mean to swat him on the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that's the purpose I want to use it for.
The Court Well, it does say that.
Quiet pause.
The Court There being no objection, you may proceed.
Lawyer Thank you, Judge.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
Witness. I will be three months November 8th.
Lawyer: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Accused: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer :Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Accused: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness:Take a guess.

Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there. 

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer:  When he went -- had you gone -- and had she -- if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go -- gone also -- would he have brought you -- meaning you and she -- with him to the station?

Opposing Lawyer:  Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.

Lawyer:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness:  Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Lawyer:  Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness:  The young lady is pregnant -- but not as a result of my examination.

1 comment:

Brent said...

Funny Stuff!Nice blog very witty and helpful.